Breaking Free from a Narcissistic Relationship

Mindfulness theory teaches us to see the good in everything, and to accept everything as a gift. So this is my take on one gift I received.

My mother was a psychopathic narcissist, completely impossible to please and completely impossible to be loved by. My unconscious desire to heal that relationship led me into another narcissistic relationship with a covert, charming narcissist that lasted for five years. I wanted it to last for ever. I wanted so badly to win that man over to loving me. It took me far too long to recognise that I was repeating a cycle of abuse, but by this time it was a common form of self-abuse, and largely unconscious.

I hadn’t realised I was addicted but looking back I can see how the love bombing stage fed my own desperation to be loved. When we got together, I was led to believe I had given him back his happiness, his self-esteem and his dignity.

That should have been my first warning sign. You cannot give anybody their self-esteem, that must and only ever comes from within. But briefly it made me feel good and I wanted that feeling to last. It made me feel worthwhile against the narrative my mother had laid out for my childhood, that ‘if it wasn’t for me the whole family would be happy’. I was her scape goat and whipping post and it wasn’t until some decades later did I realise that she was actually projecting that onto me and in fact knew it was true about herself.

But I was too naive and still had a long way to go before I could reach that stage. I wanted to have some power in my life and the power to ‘make others happy’ seemed like a great one. I was hooked. I have since learned that this sense of power releases all sorts of good mood brain chemicals (neurotransmitters) which give you the illusion of being happy. Just like other addictions, this briefly releases a flood of oxytocin, and dopamine, which make you feel very complete and relaxed, happy even. Alongside that it releases the excitement/ stress neurotransmitters cortisol and adrenaline, which are normally associated with fear, but mixed with those feel-good ones are more akin to exciting adventures. I have…

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