15 EXOTIC pets that u can own legally

Not to start off with the obvious, but really? A poisonous arachnid? Do I even need to say why dogs are better than a venomous, creepy, eight-legged insect? I didn’t think so. Next!

Technically called the Pogona, the Bearded Dragon has a reputation for being calm, friendly, and easy to transport. But here are two things that it’s not: 1) Cute and 2) Cuddly. No snuggling? Major minus points.

Don’t let this derpy marsupial’s whiskers fool you. If you think your dog poops too much, never shuts up, and stinks too bad, then guess again. The Sugar Glider, aka the Sugar Baby, has four scent glands for marking territory. Four! And did I mention it has the gift of flight? I can just see the poop on the curtains now

4. The Tarantula

It may be soft and fuzzy, but it’s certainly not cute. Still the tarantula is pretty harmless. Its bite is not fatal, it doesn’t eat much, and apparently you can play with it. But it’s still a big frickin’ spider!

5. The Hissing Cockroach

People keep roaches as pets? Why? Just why? There’s only one kind of bug allowed in my home. A cuddlebug (a.k.a a doge).

6. The Hedgehog

Okay, so far the score is “Dogs 5, Exotics Pets 0.” Will the hedgehog be the first to score a cute point against pups? The hedgehog is a genuine cutie, but this nocturnal creature will be up all night spinning its wheel while you’re trying to sleep. And they certainly don’t meet the cuddle criteria. I mean, look at them. They’re covered in SPIKES.

7. The Burmese Python

The Python may seem like a neat conversation starter, as well a pet that will bump you up to bad-butt status. That is, until it eats you. These bad boys can grow up to 17 feet in length. And they swallow lesser animals whole. So if you choose to have a python as a pet, make the python your only pet. Or it might, well. You know. Eat them.

8. The Fennec Fox

Another adorable adversary, this fox looks like it jumped straight outta Pokemon. And just like a Pokemon, Fennec Foxes don’t take well to captivity and don’t naturally look to bond with humans. Technically in the same family as dogs, these critters apparently act more like cats (and you know how we feel about those eternally-shade throwing mice catchers).

9. The Kinkajou

No, it’s not a monkey. Or a weasel. It’s a raccoon. Sort of. And it doesn’t like the light, noise, or sudden movements. In other words, it probably doesn’t like you, and it may show you that by scratching your eyes out. The Kinkajou is also a carrier of a fatal species of roundworm. So…no plus sides. Whatsoever.

10. The Skunk

NEEEEXT!!!

11. The Serval

According to what I read, the Serval is not your typical house cat. It comes from the plains of Africa where… Wait. It’s a cat? Never mind.

12. The Wallaby

Okay, so it’s like a baby kangaroo, which sounds cool. However, Wallabies are incredibly finicky and require a lot of space, which not everyone has. Plus, they can get reach up to 6 feet in height. If you tried to walk it, it’d be like a bouncing Great Dane. *Gulp.

13. The Capybaras

These fellows are known as the largest rodent in the world. Also known as “the water pig,” the capybaras can reach up to 150 pounds. They can also double as a lawnmower, considering they live on a diet of grass. Though perfectly harmless, they’re not very social. So these guys come pretty close to taking the cake…but they won’t lick my face with ruv. That’s a deal breaker.

14. The Squirrel Monkey

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Who doesn’t want a monkey? But it’s not all fun and games. Squirrel monkeys constantly fight for alpha status and are more inclined to make you the pet. They’ll yell at you, hit you, and steal your food. And good luck trying to house train them.

15. The Slow Loris

The Slow Loris held on to the end because it’s possibly the cutest, cuddliest creature on the list. But its charm is also its trap. While it would be easy to fall for those sad, droopy eyes and those little sausage fingers, the Loris has a secret. Its armpits secrete a dangerous venom. Yes, its armpits. Which the Loris licks when grooming. And did I mention it tends to bite? Not a winning combination. I’ll take good old fashioned dog drool any day!

Since your dog will never punch you in the face, swallow you whole, or poison you with its armpits, it’s pretty safe to say dogs make the best animal friends a hooman could ask for. Sure, all animals are awesome. But only dogs are pawesome.

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