Her Best Friend is a Guy? Leave Her.

A warning to the young men that don’t know any better

My answer:

I dated a woman in my mid-twenties that I should have dumped when she moved into her new apartment, without roommates.

In her new apartment, she had a teddy bear holding a big red heart that read “I love you” atop her bookcase. “Who’s that from,” I curiously asked.

“Oh, Chris got it for me.” Chris was one of her best friends from college. Did I mention they dated on and off for four years during college? Did I also mention they still talk on the phone? No? Okay, let’s move on.

She had a picture with her college friends on her fridge; the paint by numbers type of photo with your college buddies, holding up beers to show how much fun you’re having. Guess who’s with her in the picture? Yep.

On her laptop which she kept open, she had a playlist on her itunes that read “Chris’ playlist.” Of course, it was their favorite songs they had in college.

She had a scrapbook of him and had the nerve to show it to me, boasting how wonderful their time in college was together.

Basically, I’m not sure if I was really the boyfriend.

Red flags? Yes. Was I mature enough to walk away and break up with her? No. At the time, being young and incredibly stupid, I thought I was being the good guy sticking it out. You know, “I’m the understanding boyfriend that knows you guys are just friends.” Let’s just say that didn’t work out so well. We argued. A lot.

Men…ladies… if you’re dating someone that has a “best friend” of the opposite sex, that’s the biggest red flag of them all. Love yourself first and foremost, and walk away.

You’ll be saving you and your now former partner some valuable time.

Trust me. Take your time to find someone that wants YOU as a best friend.

My therapist tells me this situation was “an emotional trauma” during my twenties. Think about that.

Trauma: a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

Sharing this today would bring up a bunch of different responses from people, especially from women such as “get over it” or “you should respect what she wanted.”

I did respect what she wanted, that was the problem.

I know there are plenty of you “good guys” out there that will put up with it thinking you’re in the moral right to say “yes honey, you can go out to dinner with him while I wonder what you’re talking about and what’s going on that I don’t know about.” That sounds good on paper. You think acting this way will display that you are an understanding and respectful man. One of those understanding boyfriends. The problem is that you are totally disregarding yourself as a person who deserves respect. It makes you weak. You’re allowing her to walk all over you without doing it literally.

Foolishly, that was exactly what I did, and it was indeed my fault for not standing up for myself.

All I had to do was tell her I was uncomfortable she was going to dinner with her ex-boyfriend and I wouldn’t put up with that if it continued. It’s so easy to say now… hindsight, you know. When you’re in the thick of a relationship, when you care so much for somebody, love and lust plays some dirty tricks on you. They blind you to things everyone else can see.

Like my sister telling me, “I don’t know about her. She seems stuck up.” Like my mom mentioning, “I don’t like her. She thought she was better than you.” Even my grandma pointing out, “she’s not good for you.” I ignored all of these warnings.

As for that Back-Up Plan Theory, how easy for your gal to fall back on solid “guy friends” waiting in the wings her romantic relationship with you falters? The break-up won’t be as bad if she has one of her best guy friends there to hold her and tell her it’s going to be okay, as he lay her slowly on the bed and brushes his lips against her cheek.

During many arguments with this old flame, I pointed out this back-up plan theory and she would always deny it, until finally during a conversation post-break up where she brought up that she had hung out with college friends for New Years. Guess who she spent the night with? It really shouldn’t be a surprise.

Was it a self-fulfilling prophecy? Or did I just knowingly put up with it not knowing when to let go?

Now be aware, there are plenty of women that have men friends that they are NOT attracted to at all. You just have to know how they truly feel towards these men because you definitely can’t be suspicious of everyone or you’ll never have a healthy relationship. I’m talking best friends here. If she says her best friend is a guy that she used to have a relationship with? RED FLAG. If she says her best friend is her old college sweetheart? RED FLAG. If her best friend is a guy that used to love her (and may still love her) — RED FLAG.

I know you may like her a lot. Maybe even love her. But save yourself the emotional trauma.

Walk away. You deserve better.

I was about to delete this one tbh — I haven’t been happy with what I’ve been posting on Medium since my comeback. Oh well, it’s out there now. Thanks for taking the time to read; it’s good for you. Hopefully this helped you out of a jam. Trust me, it’s not worth putting up with people treating you less than you’re worth. Life’s too short for that, and there’s a nice lady out there that doesn’t have a dozen dudes waiting for her to break up with you. Hell, they might not be waiting.

I notice when I Google relationship advice, I rarely find it. What’s that about? Men don’t have relationship questions? It seems like the ladies have all the problems and want all the answers. We need answers too… I got some.

I’m Anthony.

If you like what I have to say, follow me.

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